I SMELL A MYSTERY
one time i was at my friend’s house while her sister was getting arrested and 3 cops walk into the house one checks all the rooms and when he looks in the first bathroom there i am sitting on the toilet seat in south park boxers shaving my legs and we just lock eyes and i just kinda freeze and after like 4 seconds of absolute silence i’m like “…what seems to be the problem officer” and he shut the door on me
I fell asleep in class today.
No big deal right?
I fell asleep WHILE ANSWERING A QUESTION TO THE CLASS. MID FUCKING SENTENCE I WAS OUT.
How does that fucking happen?
Ok. Here we go. I get good sleep tonight, do my test tomorrow, spend the 4 hours between classes working on the fat stack of homework, go to that mandatory fancy dinner, get home at around eleven, make coffee, do the rest of projects/homework, stay up all night doing said work,
do u ever turn the volume on your music up until u reach the perfect level of ah yes i cannot hear anything else and it feels like a big warm hug
And then every time an s is sung it’s so piercing that you go blind for a second
so tonight my philosophy professor had these nasty bruises all over her arms and she stopped mid-lecture to say “sorry you guys have to look at my bruised-up body, my friend brought a stripper pole over for thanksgiving and that shit is not easy. tip your strippers. tip your strippers well” and then immediately kept talking about philosophy
hatchworth having a violent grudge towards the electric stove in walter manors kitchen because it “took his job”
he frequently gets into arguments with it but they end up forging an unstable and unlikely friendship
MY BROTHER TEXTED A RADIO STATION TO GIVE A SHOUTOUT AND THE RADIO STATION ACTUALLY READ IT OUT AND IT WAS “GREAT DAY AT THE BEACH WITH MY GIRL FROM HEYWOOD JABLOMI” AND THEY READ IT ALOUD AND THE ENTIRE RADIO WENT DEAD FOR A FEW SECONDS BECAUSE THEY REALIZED WHAT THEY SAID I’M LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD
I am reading an essay called Male-Male Desire in Pharaonic Egypt (by Alex Clayden) which is actually pretty good
I just need to draw attention to this little gem of a pick-up line
Attention, followers: you now know how to write “nice ass” in hieroglyphics.
all i ever wanted out of life tbh